CELEBRITY BREAKUPS THAT AFFECTED ALL OF US

Literally none of them. Mind your own shit.

BREAKING: Gary Herbert gets a contact drunk, Runs down stripper, Cracks down on alcohol laws

Gary Herbert, the governor of Utah, has come under fire from locals because of his increasingly strict alcohol laws.  While many accuse the alledged bills are clearly for profits, Herbert insists that they are strictly for public safety. That is until now.  In a recent interview, Herbert admits that his motives for these new laws came from a personal experience. 

"I was having dinner at a restaurant with an old friend I visited while serving a mission, when he ordered an alcoholic beverage. I believe he a called it, a draft beer.  Although I was, of course uncomfortable, after looking around I noticed there were other people with alcoholic beverages not going on violent rampages, and decided not to say anything. We talked about life and our travels and before too long he had ordered a second beverage.  It was around this time that I felt extremely nauseous and realized I must have gotten a contact drunk. I had to leave before I became to intoxicated to operate my motor vehicle, so I payed the check and left.  On my way home to the mansion, I was admiring Salt Lakes very own LDS Temple, when an exotic dancer suddenly jumped in front of my car. I was unable to react soon enough to save her life, obviously due to the contact drunk I got at the restaurant."

Since his traumatic life experience, Herbert has not only decided that the DUI percentage should be decreased from 0.08 to 0.05, but also that restaurants have to identify as restaurants, and bars identify as bars, to ensure nobody walks into a trap.

-allcelebritybush

Yeah, That's Him: An Interview with DJ Buttweed

We had a minute to sit down and talk to DJ Buttweed about lost band members, frat boy douchebags, and his plans for the future.

 

 

 

All Celebrity Bush: So first off, lets talk about the name, how’d you get it?

DJ Buttweed: Believe it or not, it actually explains itself. One time I tried smoking weed outta my butt, and my friend walked in. That story spread quickly, and well, the rest is history.

ACB: Fair enough. Now your first hit “I’m A Rapper feat. Burn E. East” . . . Most of us didn’t think we’d be hearing much from you after that . . .

DJ Buttweed: Yeah, there were some, er, complications. The song was supposed to be followed up by a music video, but we were a bit short on cash for a minute. Then midway through production one day, Burn E. tells me he’s going to spring a leak real quick and I never see him again. Turns out his idea of springing a leak is doing one of those drug deals you see in your drivers ed class. You know, the one where the dealer wants to have his cake and snort it too so he shoots you and takes your money. It was a classic rapper thing to do on Burn E.'s part, extremely ironic really.

ACB: So you don’t see yourself working With Burn E. East again?

DJ Buttweed: Uh . . . No. I mean I suppose he could be chilling on an island beach sipping drinks with Tupac and Biggie, but I’m not counting on it. I guess we’ll see.

ACB: Two years later you drop “Masculine American,” and suddenly we’re under the impression that you might actually be taking this rapper thing seriously.

DJ Buttweed: I’m A Rapper. That was the name of the song. Why does it surprise you that I’m taking rapping seriously? Next question please.

ACB: Where did you find inspiration for “Masculine American.”

DJ Buttweed: Funny story. It was about a year back, me and my girlfriend at the time were looking for a place to party and heard of a place in salt lake city near the college. We get there and this stalky dude with a barbed wire tattoo gets the door, looks at me without a proper greeting and says in an exaggerated manly voice, “You know anyone who lives here?” I was taken a little bit by surprise, but still managed to hold my pack of beer up and reply, “No, but I’ve got a thirty rack here ready to make a residency.” This guy, whom at this point I decided to call Jake, a stereotypical douche bag name, ignores my comment and looks at my girlfriend and says, “You. Girl. Did you bring a rape whistle with you?” And my girlfriend just kind of giggles and replies in her sweet little voice, “He he, No.” Shortly after, I found myself alone on a porch with no girlfriend and no beer. This was my first experience at a frat party, and that’s where the roots for “Masculine American” were planted.

ACB: Should we be expecting more frat boy bashing in the future, or do you have other plans?

DJ Buttweed: Ha, no. I think I got that one off my chest, I have other things to poke fun at. I don’t wanna give away too many details, but lets just say before the album is finished, Pocahontas, The Aztecs, Valentines Day, and Corporate America are gonna get a piece of my mind. And me. I’m not even gonna let myself walk away from ridicule from myself.

ACB: A whole album then? Don’t mind me while I cream myself, do you have a release date for us?

DJ Buttweed: I don’t mind, and not for the full album yet, but the “Got My Money and Mercedes” demo will be dropping New Year’s Day, in which I am pretty stoked to introduce an artist I have been, and will continue to be working with.

ACB: Well thanks for your time, we’re looking forward to hearing from you next year.

DJ Buttweed: Yeah me too. Peace out.



DJ Buttweed Breaks A World Record

 

     DJ Buttweed has been developing quite the reputation for doing stuff that no one should give two shits about.  Now, with what he claims to be his best life achievement besides scoring a trip to Whatever Town USA, he has done it again. On November 2^nd of 2014, DJ Buttweed exceeded expectations and absolutely destroyed the world record for masturbating in a single day. From when he rolled out of bed at 1:00 PM, to when he passed out drunk at 3:00 AM, DJ Buttweed managed to rub out a load 94 times, “beating” the previous record of 83. Dj Buttweed said the trick was a lot of boner pills, as well as alternating hands, to avoid carpal tunnel. When we asked him why he decided to take on the challenge, he replied, “Well, it was just one of those mornings where I woke up with my dick in my hand, so I took that as a sign to do something about it.”